Martha: “I’m going to start saying weird things to make YOU say weird things, and then I’m going to Facebook them!”
Me: “You already say weird things.”
Martha: “…”
How do you pick a chicken?
You just have to not mind having a fat face.
I AM calm! I’m taking my stress out on your hair!
Martha: “There’s no smiley face, David!”
Me: “…What?”
Martha: “There’s no smiley face!”
Me: “…”
Martha: “There’s a check, but no smiley face! I don’t know if I can handle this!”
Me: “…um…”
Martha: “Jill must be slippin’.”
We’re talking about Martha World. Not Normal World. Martha World.
You’re smarter than the average turkey.
Martha: “Do you ever have days like today—”
Me: “Yes.”
Martha: “…”
Me: “I’m having one right now, in fact.”
Martha: “…”
[Dear Spiders,] You come inside, you die. David will kill you.
Thumb wrestling is romantic.
